The 10 Commandments of Dating By Ben young &DR. Samuel Adams
Thou shalt Get a Life
People with lives are not
sitting around waiting to be swept off their feet. People with lives do not
make “getting married “their ultimate goal. People with live do not always have
to be in a relationship or on a date to feel good about themselves.
Relationship
and marriage are important, but they must be kept in perspective.
When romantic
relationships become an obsession or they are elevated to prime importance,
you’ve got a problem.
Here are the most common symptoms of the
un-life known as the four Deadly Ds
Desperation:
A desperate person has a sense of urgency about finding a mate. He is starving
for someone to fill the emotional hole in his soul.
Dependence: A dependent person gains a sense
of significance and security through others. He must be attached to someone in
order to feel good about himself.
Depression and loneliness: Feelings of
depression and loneliness are the number one complaint of singles who buy into
the notion that someone else can make them happy. This can take any forms but
generally it is a condition that affects the whole person: physically,
emotionally etc.
Detachment: isolated, withdrawn, lonely, and
watches the jerry springer show describe someone who has disengaged from his
life. This person has detached himself from life.
How to get a life
Get grounded
Getting grounded is the foundation for
getting a life, It is about having a solid identity and sense of self. It
involve value of feeling self-confident and secured.
Get grouped
Getting grouped is all about
developing replenishing relationships. It is being involved with other beyond
superficiality. It is about being in deeper relationships where there is trust,
safety, and vulnerability.
Get goal – oriented
Goals move us in business,
sports, politics and relationship with God, goals make the different between
reaching forward with purpose, or spinning around in meaningless circus. People
have more difficulty setting goals than they do accomplishing the once they are
set. Actress Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be somebody, but I
should have been more specific.”
Get a specific and write out
some goals for yourself.
Get Giving
Giving is about meeting the
needs of others on a practical level.
Get Growing
In all aspects of life,
things are either stagnant or growing. If you are not growing, expanding, or
improving your life, you are stagnant.
Thou Shalt Use Your Brain
Real love can only begin to
grow or flourish when the infatuation diminished. And it is only this kind of
love that can sustain a marriage relationship in the long run.
Three drives of romantic love
·
Emotion driven dating: note relation built on
emotionalism can be deadly
· Hormone driven dating: nothing interferes
with logic and common sense more than the sex drive. You can’t build a marriage
on hormone and emotion you must use your brain.
·
Spirit driven dating: there is nothing quite
as dangerous as deeply “religious men or women who spiritualize their dating.”
B-
balance the head and heart
R-
refrain from physical intimacy
A- Analyze
your past relationship
I –
include others in the process
N-
never neglect opportunities to evaluate along the way
If you can make a commitment
to implement these five steps you will be well on your way to using your brain,
not just your emotion, hormones and spirituality.
Thou Shalt Be Equally Yoked
There are certain types of
relationship that are doomed from the start. We called these unequally yoked
relationship (UYRS). There are five most prevalent (and dangerous) unequally
yoked relationships.
The Missionary Relationship
This focus on getting the
person to jump through religious hoops and buying to the belief system. The
ultimate objective of course, is to get him to “pray the prayer”.
The Mother Teresa Relationship
If you
have a tendency to attract and hang on to needy people in order to” love” them
to health, you are called to be an equal partner in a relationship, not a
shrink, surrogate parent.
The
Exotic Relationship
Exotic relationship is
exciting and adventurous, but they’re extremely impractical.
The
Sugar Daddy Relationship
The hallmark of the sugar
daddy relationship is the substantial age difference between partner.
The Dennis Rodman Relationship
The essence of this kind of
relationship is the need to date some- one purely out of rebellion, rodman
relationship daters choose a partner who is exactly opposite of everything
their family would want for them
The Equally Yoked Relationship
A relationship by definition is the connecting
of persons. Therefore, to have a successful relationship with the opposite sex
you must connect on many level.in order to truly connect with another person
you must connect on three general levels: spiritual, physical, and social
Thou Shalt talk It Slow
Take it slow and get know
the person you are potentially marrying before you buy the ring.
Three reasons to talk it
slow
·
You do not get to know a person in a short
period of time
·
You need time to bond
·
You protect yourself from getting attracted
too quickly.
Seven
slow- motion dating strategies
·
Make the two-year commitment (see Ezekiel
4:35)
·
Make your first date short and causal
·
Don’t volunteer too much information up front
·
Delay physical affection
·
Stay connected with your friends
·
Do not pray together
·
Don’t mention the “M” word.
Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries defines who you
are, and they reinforce the ideal that you are separate and distinct from
others. They describe what you think and feel, as well as what you are willing
to do.
Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later
The seven blunders of the
sexual world:
·
“All you need is a condom”; condom fail at
least 10 percent of the time to prevent pregnancy.
·
“You’ve got to have it”; some people think
they are actually going to exposed if they don’t get the sex they need.
·
“Sex equals intimacy”; many times, ex outside
of marriage reduce intimacy instead of building it.
·
“If you are in love it’s okay”; some believed
that if you have date someone one or two years, and if you are in love and
marriage is possibility in the future, then sex is okay.
·
“You must sample the goods”; many couples are
shocked to discover that what once turned their date on sexually doesn’t work
so well in the context of marriage
·
“It’s just a physical thing”; sex connects
you soul to the soul of another person like a super glue. Any time you have sex
and then break up or move to the next person, a part of your soul break and
stays with your former lover.
·
“Everybody’s doing it”; everybody is doing it
as only resulted in the escalation of STDs, broken hearts, ruptured marriages,
unwanted babies.
Thou shalt not play house
Love,
finances, practice, and engagement may be the politically correct reason
couples give for cohabitation, but these are not the real reason there are
playing house, there are four real reason.
Fear: fear of divorce
·
Sex: for free sex
·
Manipulation: if guys move in primarily for
convenient sex, women move in often to manipulate the man into marriage.
·
Immaturity: it’s an immature decision to live
together before you get married.
Thou shalt
fight fairly
We want you to have the five
crucial skill for dealing with conflict. These are not mere suggestions or
recommendations; these must be utilized for success.
Five fail- fighting tactics
·
Dial down
·
Set the tone
·
Shut up and listen
·
Use “I” statements
·
Negotiate and compromise
Thou Shalt Not ignore Warning Signs
The seven deadly
signs
·
Abuse: one of the most destructive warning
signs for a relationship is any form of abuse.
·
Addition: by its very nature, an addition is
a powerful, habitual form of behavior that cannot be overcome merely by a
decision to stop.
·
Infidelity: if you are in a serious
relationship with someone who is or has been unfaithful, we suggest you think
twice about continuing it.
·
Irresponsibility and immaturity (the Peter
pan): people with a pattern of the above characteristic are generally
unreliable, unmotivated and un sure of themselves.
·
No physical/ sexual attraction: this isn’t
the most important aspect of a relationship, but it is very important
nonetheless
·
Emotional baggage: it is the man or woman who
carries significant unresolved emotional or psychological baggage from their
past that interferes with normal health.
·
Denial.
Thou Shalt Choose Wisely
Many men and women across
the globe have had their hearts and lives torn apart because they choose poorly
in the dating process, this final chapter will be summarized with one phrase:
dating is discernment. Our premise is that the dating experience is about being
able to discern who this person really is.
Five essential characters qualities that you need in a mate
·
faithful
·
honest
·
committed
·
forgiving
·
giving.
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