The 5 love languages
By GARY CHAPMAN
The secret to love that lasts
What happens to love After Wedding
The answer to this
question is the purpose of this book. It is not that the books and articles
already Published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one
fundamental truth: people speak different love languages.
Your emotional love language and the language
of your spouse may as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you
try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese. You
will never understand how to love each other. We must be willing to learn our
spouse primary love language if we are to be effective communicators.
Keeping the love
tank full
Love is the most
important word in the English language – and the most confusing also. We are
told that “love is a many – splendored thing” and that “love makes the world go
around”.
The psychologist has concluded that the need to
feel loved is a primary emotional need, child psychologist affirm that every
child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be
emotionally stable.
When a child feels loved, he will develop
normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave, the
emotional need for love, however, is not simply a childhood phenomenon. That
need follow us into adulthood and into marriage.
Falling in love
Most of us enter
marriage by way of the “in love”, meeting someone whose physical
characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical shock to Trigger
our “love alert “system. The bells go off, and we set in motion the process of
getting to know the person, then we arrange for a few more “together”
experience, so at the end we find ourselves saying, “I think I’m falling in
love “. Eventually, we are convinced that it the “real thing” then we redouble
our efforts to impress, and eventually win the love of, our beloved. When if
reciprocal, we start talking about marriage because everyone agrees that being
“in love” is the necessary foundation for a good marriage.
Unfortunately, the eternity of the “in love “experience
is fiction, not fact. Dr. Dorothy a psychologist, has done long-range studies
on the in-love phenomenon. After studies, she concluded that the average life
span of a Romantic obsession is two years, if it is a secretive love affair, it
may last a little longer.
A person who is “in love” has the illusion
that his beloved is perfect. His mother can see the flaws but he can’t. we can
recognize the in-love experience for what it was and now pursue “real love “with
our spouse. That kind of love is a love that unites reason and emotion.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
One way to express
love emotionally is to use words that build up. Verbal compliments, or words of
appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. Another dialect is encouraging
words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage”. Courage requires empathy
and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is
important to our spouse.
Kind words
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate
love verbally. We must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak.
Love make requests, not demand; the way we express those, desires, however, is
all-important.
Various Dialects
All of the dialects have in common the use
of words to affirm one’s spouse, psychologist William James said that possibly
the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation
will meet that need in many individuals.
Keynote: when you
read an article or book on love, record the words of affirmation you find.
QUALITY TIME
By “quality time”. I mean giving
someone your undivided attention, what I mean is sitting on the couch with the
tv off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention.
Togetherness
A
central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity.
Togetherness as to do with focused attention. Quality time does not mean that
we have to spend our together moment, gazing into each other’s eyes. It means
that we are doing something together
Quality conversation
By quality
conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing
their experience, thoughts feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted
context.
Practical tips
·
Maintain eye contact when your
spouse is talking.
·
Don’t listen to your spouse and do so
many things at the same time
·
Listen for feelings.
·
Observe body language.
·
Refuse to interrupt
Learning to talk
Quality conversation requires not only
sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. Based on our thoughts and
emotions we eventually make decisions.
Personality types
I have observed
two basic personality types. The first “Dead sea”. The dead sea goes nowhere.
it receives but it does not give. This personality type receives many experiences,
emotions, and thought throughout the day. They have large reservoir where they
store that information. They are perfectly happy not to talk, if you say to a
dead sea personality “what’s wrong”? he will probably answer nothing. He is
content not to talk.
On the other extreme is the “Babbling
Brook”. For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate
comes out of the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two.
Whatever they see whatever they hear, they tell it. If they can’t get someone
on the telephone, they may talk to themselves because they have no reservoir.
The good news is that the Dead sea can learn to talk and Babbling Brooks can learn
to listen. We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.
One way to learn new pattern is to
establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three
things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.
RECEIVING GIFTS
A gift is something you can hold in your
hand and say, “look, he was thinking of me.” Or “she remembers me”. You must be
thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that
thought. It doesn’t matter whether it cost money. What is important is that you
thought of him.
Visual symbols of love are more important to
some people than others. Gift comes in sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are
expensive and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is
receiving gift, the cost of the gift will matter little, unless it is greatly
out of line with what you can afford. A gift may be purchase found or made.
The gift need not be expensive, if your spouse
love language is receiving you can become a proficient gift giver. Where do you
begin? Make a list of all the gifts your
spouse has expressed through the years. This list will give you an idea of the
kind of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving. If you discover that your
spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will
understand that purchasing a gift for him or her is the best investment you can
make.
“physical presence in the time of crisis
is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language
is receiving gifts.”
ACT OF SERVICE
The apostle Paul summarized that philosophy
when he said, “serve one another in love”.
Doormat or lover?
A doormat is an inanimate object, you can
wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around or whatever you like. It has no
will of his own.it can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our
spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. No person should ever
be a doormat. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an
act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason.
Overcoming stereotypes
Learning the love language of act of service
will require some of us to re-examine our stereotypes, it necessary in order to
express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining
stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs
of your spouse.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Physical touch is
also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing,
embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love
to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love
language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is
filled and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Sexual intercourse is only one language in
the love language of physical touch. Of the five senses, touching unlike the
other four is not limited to one localized area of the body. When those
receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain.
“physical touch can make or break a
relationship, It can communicate hate or love.”
Don’t make the mistake of believing that
the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her. Explicit
love touches obviously take more time, not only in actual touching but in
developing your understanding of how to communicate love to your spouse this
way. Love touch may be explicit and demand your full attention such as in a back
rub or sexual foreplay.
If a back massage
communicates love loudly to your spouse, then the time money, and energy you
spend in learning to be a good masseur will be invested. Implicit love touches
require little time but much thought.
´if
your spouse primary love language is physical touch,
Nothing
is more important than holding her as she cries.”
CRISIS AND
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Almost
instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why because physical
touch is a powerful communicator of love in a time of crisis more than
anything, we need to feel loved. All marriages will experience a crisis. The
most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love
him or her.
Discovering Your
Primary Love Language
Discovering the
primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep his/her emotional
love tank full. Some individuals will know instantaneously their own primary
love language and that of their own spouse. For others, it will not be that
easy.
One way to discover your primary love
language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse.
“When the tank is low …. We have no love
feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.”
Children and Love Language
Does the concept
of love, language apply to children? My unqualified answer is Yes when children are
little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, power all five , and you are bound to hit it but if you observe their behavior, you can learn it
rather.
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