THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES FOR MEN
By Gary Chapman (summary)
How many languages do you speak?
Everyone has a primary love language, away
of expressing devotion and
affection that touches us deep insides, occasionally
puts a goofy grin on our face, and leaves on doubt that we are truly and
spectacularly loved, as you probably deduced from the title of this book, there
are five basic love languages:
1. Words
of affirmation
2. Quality
time
3. Gift
giving
4. Act
of service
5. Physical
touch
One of
them is an expressway to your wife’s heart. That’s not to say she won’t
respond politely to one or more of the other languages, especially if she sees
you making a real effort Ultimately through those other four love languages are
foreign to her. On the other hand, when you express your love for your wife
using her primary love language, it’s like hitting the sweet spot on a baseball
bat or golf club.
The no- logic zone
Logic suggests that men naturally gravitate toward women who share their primary love language. They communicate their affection
easily and freely, forever and ever amen.
Since when does logic have anything to do with love?
The truth is that people rarely marry partners who share their primary love
language. Even those rare couples who share a primary love language find that
there are countless different “dialects” within each language. No two people
share the same language and the same dialect. No two people express and receive
love exactly the same way, where there is a challenge, there is an opportunity.
The way
to build a thriving, exciting, unpredictable, awe-inspiring, and life-
changing relationship with your wife is to master her primary love language, to
embrace the challenge of becoming bilingual.
The
challenge of becoming fluent in another love language might be better compared
to perfecting a golf swing. To become bilingual in the language of love is to
make a difference in other’s people’s lives.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
How to become fluent in words of affirmation
If the
movies have taught us anything, it’s that the right words, spoken at the right
time by the right person can inspire people to do the unlikely, the
improbable, and in some cases, the near impossible. It’s this potential for
good, the power of language to inspire, encourage and build up that makes words
of affirmation such a vital tool on your marital workbench.
“if
your words are going to make a difference in your wife’s life, you have to
believe what you say!”
Many people who are especially inspired or
moved by words of affirmation are also especially susceptible to being hurt by
less- than- loving words used in sarcasm, insults, and faint praise.
“I
was just kidding” is a pretty weak defense for throwing verbal dust in the face
of someone who’s thirsty for words of affirmation.”
Communicating love through words of
affirmation involves more than your mouth; it also involves your imagination,
and more. In order to become fluent in this love language, you have to develop extensive knowledge of appreciation for the many things your wife does,
pay attention to the things she says, and the way she interacts with other
people.
Becoming fluent in words of affirmation requires more than
encouragement, it involves speaking kindly to your wife, forgiving her, and also
humility.
When you make a request of your wife, you’re
affirming her worth and abilities. You’re indicating that’s meaningful and
worthwhile to you. When you make a demand, you become not a lover but a
tyrant. Your wife will feel belittled.
Words of affirmation phase book
- Don’t just say, “you look good.” that’s a nice color on you or I like your hair that way.
- Make
a habit of mentioning something specific you’ve observed that has to do with
who she is E.g. I enjoyed taking walls with you. You always point out
interesting things.
- Learn
how to say “I love you” or “I love your personality”.
- Thank
her for something she does routinely and probably doesn’t even expect to be
complimented for.
QUALITY TIME
How to become fluent in quality time
Time
maybe or may not be the most precious assets we possess. But time is unique
among our commodities, every person who draws breath on this earth receives
the same amount of time: 24hrs, 1440min, or 86,400 seconds. At the end of every
day, every person’s allotment is depleted, Time cannot be stolen or transferred
into another account, time cannot be exchanged or refund. Its system cannot be
hacked or gamed
To
call something “quality” is to set a high bar. Someone who does quality work
goes the extra mile, stays focused on the task at hand, and won’t quit. And so,
it is with spending quality time with your wife. When you give it make sure
it’s the best you’ve got. The key to becoming fluent in the quality time love
language is establishing the right mindset. The key to establishing the right
mindset is to focus attention.
That’s
not to say quality time means spending your together moments gazing into each
other’s eyes. It means doing something together and giving full attention to
each other. The language of quality time has many dialects, one of the most
common dialects is a quality conversation, which is a genuine dialogue in which
you share experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly
uninterrupted context. To engage in quality conversation is to say.
“I
will listen sympathetically to what you have to say”
“I
will ask questions- not in a badgering manner but
with a real desire to
understand you.”
Practical
tips
- Maintain eye contact when your wife is talking
- Don’t listen to your wife and do something else
- Listen
for feelings
- Observe
body language
Another
dialect is quality activities, quality activities may include anything one or
both of you have an interest in. The emphasis is not on what you’re doing but on
why you’re doing it. One of the byproducts of quality activities is that they
provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.
Where do you find time for such activities,
especially if you both have careers outside the home?
You make time just as you make time for lunch
and dinner. Why? Because it’s just as essential to your marriage as meals are
to your health.
Quality time phase book
- Plan
your quality time according to her schedule.
- Sacrifice
something you love to create time to share with her.
- Designate
specific times and places for planned togetherness.
- Find
an activity you like to do that complements something your wife enjoys.
RECEIVING GIFT
How to become fluent in gift-giving
Gift is are the visual symbol of
love. The importance of such symbols may be lost in non-native speakers of the
gift-giving love language. The difference between the native and non-native
mindset can be seen in people\s attitudes toward the most common visual symbols
of love.
Great gifts come in all size, colors and
shapes some are expensive, and others are free. If your wife’s primary love
language is gift-giving, the cost of the gift will matter to her only if it’s
greatly, but in line with what you can afford or what you spend on yourself or
others.
“If your wife is consistently critical
and unappreciative of gifts you give, you may want to re-evaluate. Gift giving
is almost certainly not her primary love language.
Each of us has particular thoughts
about the purpose of money, as well as particular emotion associated with spending
i.e. some have a spending orientation, others have a saving and investing
orientation.
If your wife’s primary love language
is receiving gifts, you must recognize that buying gifts for her is the best
long-range plan in your portfolio. You are investing in your relationship and
filling your wife’s emotional love tale. When both person’s emotional needs are
met, your marriage will take on a whole new dimension.
In some dialect of giving gifts,
you’ll find there’s an intangible present that sometimes speaks more boldly
than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. I call it the gift of self or the
gift of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the
one whose primary love language is gift-giving.
“Physical presence in the time of the crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love
language is gift-giving”.
Gift-giving phase book
1.Present
your wife with photo records.
2.Give
your wife “the gift of a day”.
3.Keep
an eye open for spontaneous, unexpected gifts. Make sure they’re all things she
would appreciate.
4. Redesign
one of the rooms in your house, buy
stock in a company your wife support and let her follow the financial ups and
down over a period of time.
5. Offer
your “gifts of presence” during an especially hard time in her life.
6 .Hide
a gift in her luggage.
ACTS OF SERVICE
How to become fluent in Act of Service
When it comes to Act of service, you’re
not judged by the amount of time you put in or even by how you work. You’re
judge by your effectiveness, the impact you have.
“making
an impact on your wife means working smarter not harder."
In
order to become fluent in act of service, we need to kick that mindset to the
curb. We need to let our wive guide us in determining what is and isn’t an
effective act. We need to let her instruct us on how to make an impact.
The key to initiating acts of service
is to make it a “3D experience” with Drive, Discipline, and Dedication. Drive
speaks to your motivation. To keep the reason for your act of service fresh in
your mind. Discipline refers to scheduling and prioritizing necessary to
accomplish some of the more ambition you have in mind. e.g. six large garden
boxes aren’t built, set up, and filled in a day, etc.
Some acts of service are going to cut
into your already busy schedule. Some may require you to postpone or sacrifice
your own chores or pastimes. Dedication is making sure that what’s started gets
finished. Dedication is staying committed to an act of service until it can be
presented as a token of love. Just as crucial as the actual act of service
itself is the attitude with which you perform it.
In fact, the right thing done
with the wrong attitude can actually cause more harm than good. If your wife
sense resentment or irritation in you while you’re performing an act of service
for her, she won’t feel affirmed. Your act of service should be done with
humility, good humor, and excitement.
THE DOORMAT CONUNDRUM
A doormat is an inanimate object
something you step on, wipe your feet on. It has no will of his own. It doesn’t
object to the way it’s treated. It serves its purpose period.
When we treat our wives as objects or
even give them cause to feel like objects, we eliminate the possibility of love.
Likewise, when a husband’s genuine efforts to speak love through acts of
service are regularly met with dissatisfaction or indifference by his wife.
Act of service phase book
- If she asks you to do something do
it.
- Think of something she would never expect.
E.g. clean out the party and kitchen cabinets
- Make dinner
- Take your wife “shopping” in the yellow pages online.
- Think of your wife’s most frequent complains.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
How to become influence in physical touch
For many guys,
physical touch is a huge part of growing up. Left to their own devices, boys
can make a contact sport out of any game, activity, or car ride.
If your wife’s primary love language
is physical touch, think of her as a “super touch her”. She can sense love and
affection among other things. In the slightest arm squeeze or back caress.
Physical contact that wouldn’t even register with most people has the potential
to thrill her, change her mode, brighten her day, and most importantly make her
feel loved and cared for.
The withholding of physical touch by those closest to
her has the potential to cause her more pain and anxiety, than most innovative
speakers of her love language can imagine.
If you’re serious about becoming
fluent in physical touch, you may want to consider conducting a “baseline test”
of your current physical touch relationship with your wife.
- Kissed her
- Gave her a huge
- Held her hand
- Put your arm around her
- Grabbed her around the waist
- Gave her a high five
- Playfully wrestled with her
- Rubbed her shoulder
- Caressed her back
Had
any other meaning, purpose, affectionate physical contact with her as precise
and comprehensive as you can in compiling your list, once you have a fairly concrete idea of how much physical touch you provide your
wife on a given day, you can be to be working for areas in which you can do
better.
NICE TOUCH
Anatomically
speaking, physical touch may be the easiest language of all to begin learning.
The human body was designed with touch receptors throughout. You could touch
your wife lovingly almost anywhere on her body, in reality, not all touches are
greeted equally, some will bring more pleasure to her than others. Your best
instructor is the one being touched, of course, in this case, your wife.
After
all she is the one, you’re seeking to love. She knows best what she perceives
as a loving touch. Don’t insist on touching her in your way and in your time,
learn to speak her dialect. The purpose of becoming fluent in the language of
physical touch is not to get your desire met but to make your wife feel
genuinely loved and cared for.
PHYSICAL TOUCH PHASE BOOK
- Make
touching your wife a normal part of your routine.
- Make
a point of hugging and kissing your wife.
- Set
aside an evening for some experiments to determine where your wife most likes
to be touched.
- For
a designated period of time, communicate with your wife using only touch.
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